I NEED a new phone. The fucker is jealous that I wake up most mornings with about 20 emails and so begins to throw tantrums and doesn’t let me reply to said emails or texts etc at very inconvenient times, or sometimes thinks it would be “banter” to not set the alarm off in the morning, making me late, all the time.

To be fair, I’m hardly respectful to the wee thing, smashing it off the ground and dropping it in a pint of cider. It’s not like he (humanising the phone, alright?) owes me anything.

Suggest a better phone I can get for about £200? Do such things exist?